mandi moo dot com

Every time I update LoseIt! to reflect yet another pound lost, I cringe because I know what comes next. As soon as the update posts to my Facebook feed, the inevitable parade of people giving me Likes, telling me “Good job!” and/or asking me “What’s your secret?” starts up and carries on throughout most of the afternoon. Some days I just wish people could shut up and find something else to focus on. Go farm your turnips or put out a mob hit or something. Stop paying attention to my sporadic weight loss updates.

I know…I know…if I don’t want comments, then why even let LoseIt! update into my Facebook feed? I genuinely do not know. I think a part of me wants to keep myself honest with the fear of public shaming. It’s not that I lack any willpower to lose weight all by myself, but there are days here and there where I really need some form of negative reinforcement to provide me with the motivation to NOT buy an entire container of cookies simply because the bakery doesn’t have smaller packages available. And there’s no better place to seek out humility than Facebook.

I think what gets to me isn’t that people are Liking my updates. That’s fine. It happens. It’s a way of showing support without being intrusive. But the comments are what tend to worm their way under my skin. Telling me “Keep up the good work!” sounds less like encouragement and more like “Hey fatty, it’s about damn time you started losing all that weight.” Asking me ”What’s your secret?” sounds like a nosy inquiry into whether or not I’m cheating by taking supplements, following a fad diet, or just plain not eating.

By far the worst though are the people who feel the need to say “I think you’re fine as you are, but I support your efforts.” Um, thanks? I don’t get it…WHY would someone say that? The other stuff I can deal with because whatever. But at what point is it necessary to threaten to pour cold water over my head and bring me back to some kind of alternate reality where it’s wrong for me to want to be healthy? First of all, I’m not asking for anyone to support my efforts. I’m a grown adult who got herself into this mess in the first place; I sure as hell can find my way back out on my own. Just because it hasn’t happened before doesn’t mean it won’t happen now. And second, it implies that I am somehow doing this for reasons other than wanting to not have high cholesterol, hypertension, and a jiggly ass. As though I’ve succumbed to some great societal pressure to be thin.

Look. What you may have forgotten about me is that I have not always been fat. If this is news to you, well, then I’m sorry I haven’t mentioned it more often. But the fact of the matter is that how I look now is not how I am supposed to look. I didn’t get fat because of genetics or a thyroid issue. I got fat by other means that in retrospect were completely preventable, and it’s my own failing that I got to the point I’m at now. So the concept of me wanting to be 135 again instead of 240 isn’t too far-fetched. I want to be ME again. People don’t lambast mothers for wanting to lose the baby weight after a pregnancy. They tend to understand that the extra weight wasn’t part of their normal makeup. So why is it so weird that I would want the same thing, to be ME again?

Every comment someone makes embarrasses and eventually angers me. I shouldn’t be embarrassed about losing weight that doesn’t belong here. I shouldn’t be angry that people are happy for me. But I also shouldn’t feel like I need to explain myself, my decisions, and my actions. It’s a delicate balance between the two and either I’m going to have to learn to live with it (read: ignore the shit out of it) or I will have to pull my LoseIt! feed entirely and find another outlet to help keep me honest. Regardless of outcome, I will not waver from my course. No matter how much people like me “just as you are”, I don’t like me at all and that’s the part that counts.

Hooray! You know you wait for this day like no other. Because what better way to cheer yourself up than to read a recap of my oft laughable life? I aim to please! Don’t say I never gave you nothin’.

mmdc 2011 Year-in-Review!

What did you do in 2011 that you’d never done before? Uh. *thinks* Hm. Honestly, I don’t know. That’s terrible, isn’t it? We should always be doing new things. It’s how our brains stay fresh and healthy.
Did you keep your New Year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year? Of course I didn’t keep my resolutions. Mostly because I didn’t really make any. I’m just as ambivalent this year. Though so far I’ve pledged to read at least 50 books in 2012 over at the Goodreads reading challenge. Easy to do, so it almost feels like I’m cheating on the resolutions thing. OK, I resolve to stop being fat this year. Happy?
Did anyone close to you give birth? Not really. People gave birth, just weren’t what I’d call “close”.
Did anyone close to you die? I am now grandmotherless. My mom’s mother passed away in 2011 and now I’m down to one single grandparent. One. At the rate I’m going, I will have no grandparents by the time I finally get married. What a fucking bummer.
What countries did you visit? Just the US. I’m a firm believer that we should explore our own turf before we start invading the turf of others, you know? Not enough people appreciate their own backyard (my backyard includes the entire western US, btw)
What would you like to have in 2012 that you lacked in 2011? Serenity, clarity, and less interaction with internet fuckwads.
What date from 2011 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? May 27th. The day we FINALLY got the bathrooms tiled and finished. After ten years of saying “We really ought to tile these bathrooms.” Granted I mostly balked because it’s NOT MY HOUSE, but still. We get cheap rent, the least we could do is make the place comfy and liveable.
What was your biggest achievement of the year? I finally took the GRE.
What was your biggest failure?I was massively unhappy with my GRE score.
Did you suffer illness or injury? A slightly bruised ego. Nothing super serious.
What was the best thing you bought? Sadly I had to check my Amazon purchase history so I could remember what I bought in 2011. I mean, most of the time my answer would be “Socks” because duh. But I guess the best thing I bought BESIDES socks would be my Bluetooth earpiece for my iPhone. I’m not sure why I was so lazy about buying one but now I have it and I’ve morphed into one of those assholes who appears to be talking to themselves in the car. Which isn’t much different from me being one of those assholes who sings in the car.
Whose behavior merited celebration? My friend Josh G, who ended up being one of the best parts about the Festival this year. The man is a saint and I am glad to know him.
Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?  There’s always quite a few who fall into this category, but I’m done with name-checking. Instead I’ll just ask that folks think about how they approach life and living on the same planet as other people who are just trying to get through every day the same as everyone else. Consider the fact that you’re not the only person here and the world doesn’t revolve around you. Work on that.
Where did most of your money go? Festival debt. As always. I live for Festival debt apparently.
What made you really really really excited? Nothing. I had not a single moment of uber excitement all year. I’m ok with that. Not everything needs to be pomp and circumstance.
What song will forever remind you of 2011? “Party Rock Anthem” by LMFAO. That song was EVERYWHERE. Thankfully it’s not an annoying song, so we’re cool.
Compared to this time last year, are you:
happier or sadder? I think in general I’m happier. Really, when you consider everything I’d put up with by the end of 2010, it would have to be a terrible year for my disposition to have not improved over the course of twelve months. Y’know?
thinner or fatter? My weight did fuck all in 2011. Like literally I did not budge a single damn pound. Which is annoying since The Roommate and his gastric bypass have pretty much blown past me.
richer or poorer? Oh much much poorer. In fact, I can’t even afford postage stamps to mail out my last dozen Christmas cards right now. Why? Because I’m carrying a mountain of Festival debt that sucks most of my spare cash away, and almost every day someone new is asking me for financial help because they’re down on their luck. And since I can’t say no to friends and family, I help and I leave myself in a lurch. I would really like to have at least one pay period that doesn’t end with me eating chicken broth because it’s all I have left in my cupboards. It’ll happen one day. In the meantime, I get to sit here and watch friends buy fancy cameras and cool gadgets and I’m stuck being happy that I have my health. Bah humbug.
What do you wish you’d done more of? I wish I’d had the opportunity to get outside more. Working on the Fest, having a long commute, and just trying to manage household affairs pretty much keeps me indoors most of the time. It’s super frustrating.
What do you wish you’d done less of? Sulking. I don’t like to express myself much anymore, so if something bothers me I just sort of sulk rather than own up to what’s eating me.
How did you spend Christmas? Same thing we always do, Pinky. With my parents and brothers, with a brief visit to area family members.
How did you spend New Year’s? I spent last night working really hard to keep Mom and The Boyfriend from falling asleep before midnight. Everyone else crapped out long before then. On the plus side, we had really yummy Chinese as a last-minute dinner decision. I’m sure my waistline will thank me for that later.
Did you fall in love in 2011? Nope, I just managed to stay in love.
How many one-night stands? I’m so glad I’m beyond that phase in life.
What were your favorite TV programs? Good grief, did I even watch much television this year? I think the bulk of what I watched this year (in the moments where I did get to watch TV) were either home improvement shows like Professional Grade and 10 Grand In Your Hand or just super random shows like Psych and Vampire Diaries. I wouldn’t say that any of them are favorites. My true favorites will always be things like Star Trek (all series), Northern Exposure, Twin Peaks, and M*A*S*H.
Do you dislike anyone now that you didn’t dislike this time last year? All of the Republican candidates gearing up for this year’s primaries. Since they’re getting more and more vocal, I’m learning all kinds of new and vile things about these…unique…specimens. Their hatred and bigotry runs very very deep and I have to say that while I’ve always known that people like them exist, what freaks me out is how unapologetically vocal they are about all this stuff, and they hold public office where they’re supposed to represent ALL OF THE PEOPLE. I just don’t get how you can attempt to represent everyone under your jurisdiction and yet hate those who aren’t white Christian conservatives. I don’t get it. And while we’re at it, I don’t get purposely discriminating against people simply because they are of a different race/creed/gender/sexual orientation/etc than you. I am not wired that way, so I just have no concept of it. None whatsoever.
What was the best book you read? I really dug The Girl Who Fell From the Sky by Heidi W. Durrow
What was your greatest musical discovery? Hm. Did I discover anything this year? Not really. Well, Goat Rodeo was pretty damn fly. But then again, it’s Yo-Yo Ma and Edgar Meyer, so it’s not unsurprising that it was a fantastic collaboration and album.
What did you want and get? A Wii Fit Plus. A very unexpected gift from my parents who probably had to scrape together every penny they had to get it for me (I wasn’t lying when I said that people around me are in dire financial straits).
What did you want and not get? A proposal. Nuff said.
What was your favorite film of last year? I didn’t really watch any movies in 2011. I did finally see both halves of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows so I guess that would be it.
What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? For my 36th birthday (SHUT UP) we had a murder mystery party. You can read all about it here.
What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? The Boyfriend finally moving up here to live with me. Oh, and a proposal. Did I mention that?
How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2011?  My fashion concept has never changed. If it’s clean and comfortable, I wear it, usually with outlandish socks. No, I don’t rock jeans to a cocktail party. I do dress occasion-appropriate.
What kept you sane? Coffee. And my cats.
Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? Did I even fancy anyone this year? I’m not sure. I’ll have to get back to you on that.
What political issue stirred you the most? Gay marriage, as always. The day when it finally became legal in New York was amazing and it made me think that there’s hope yet for people. And California.
Whom did you miss? Dief.
Who was the best new person(s) you met? Oh I met a lot of new great people at the Festival in 2011. The kind of folks that make you go “Wow, am I ever glad to be a weird fangirl of a random show.”
Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2011: Chill. CHIIIIIIILL. And I need to learn to be more selective about who I do nice things for because it’s entirely clear that a number of people take me for granted. The Amanda Gravy Train will be making very few stops in 2012 for sure.
Favorite memory of 2011? It’s a tie between Karlos declaring that his pasta needs more basil, and Cutter dressing up like a girl for my party after his girlfriend dumped him and bailed on us.

Huzzah! Bye-bye to 2011, hello 2012.