Admittedly there was a time when I would happily jump into any fray that presented itself, whether it concerned me or not. All to often I would enjoy sparring and doing my best to make other people miserable or at the very least feel stupid. Not sure if it was me being unhappy with myself and reflecting that back on others or what. In general though, I was a sad human specimen.

These days I find that I have little patience for what I refer to as “shenanigans.” Anytime someone wants to drag out the drama llama and parade it around, I find myself immediately interested in everything but the drama. Let’s be honest, life is crazy enough as it is. I don’t know about you but for me, most days I’m just trying to remember to wear clean underwear and how to boil water for dinner. Taking on a bunch of fluff that will do nothing but sap my will to live is the last thing I really have the desire to do.

I’ve grown tired of having to worry about what I say that may or may not be taken the wrong way by someone and will therefore likely offend them and cause the drama to start. So as you can imagine, I say quite a few things that cause quite a few people to roll out the red carpet for all their insecurities. And all I can do is laugh and watch with amusement as they go through the motions of making it about themselves when whatever it is I’ve said or done had nothing to do with them.

It would seem that the month of January has brought forth loads of drama, some related to me, some in which I am just a bystander. I don’t know if it’s something in the water, in the air, in the circuitry. But folks are losing their goddamned minds and I’ve had to be extremely blunt about my inability to stop and get involved. It’s not that I don’t care about people. I genuinely do care about the ones I call my friends and family. But I have so many irons in the fire right now and the last thing I really have time for are people pulling shenanigans that I then have to take a lot of time to try and sort out to determine if it’s something I really need to get involved in, if it’s something I even need to apologize for, and all of the subsequent butt-rubbing that goes along with it. The amount of time I have had to spend in the past reassuring people that everything is groovy is staggering. I shouldn’t have to do it over and over and over. If you don’t know that everything’s groovy, me telling you for the umpteenth time isn’t going to fix it. You need to fix yourself first. And thus I walk away and people simply cannot believe that I won’t get involved in shenanigans. And then they think this shows how little I actually care, when in reality all it shows is that I don’t have time for drama. I only have so many spare minutes in my day right now and I have to make my priorities. Fact of the matter is that I choose myself. I am my priority and I have to stick to that. If you cannot have the adult conversation with me about your beef, or if you are going to flail as a collective group and hope to drag me in instead of asking for my impartial input, I have a head-check for you. This isn’t junior high and I’m not your schoolyard bully, nor your chum ready to throw punches for no reason. I am a Grown Woman With Shit to Do.

As so it is that I sit here behind my computer, shrugging at stuff and moving on. People will either learn to trust me and therefore my intentions, or they will continue to be disappointed and have to make the hard choice of whether or not to walk away. In the meantime, I have a job, I have a commute, I have grad school, I have fitness training, and I have dozens of little obligations to fit in the gaps between. I’ll still be here and I’ll still be the same opinionated jerk I’ve always been. Love me or leave me. That’s all I can offer.

Hooray! This is becoming an annual staple, eh? Call me lazy. I’m fine with that.

mmdc 2012 Year-in-Review!

What did you do in 2012 that you’d never done before? Lost 40 pounds.

Did you keep your New Year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year? Yes, actually I did. Thought I did resolve to “stop being fat” and the truth of the matter is that I’m still fat, I actually made a solid effort at not being quite so fat. And I’m going to keep on with that same resolution for 2013. I also did the Goodreads challenge for 2012 and barely finished it before the clock ran out. But since I’m in grad school now, I’m thinking I’ll not do that again this year. Not to mention the fact that anytime I put forth a reading competition, even with myself, I lose all desire to read. I don’t like stipulations attached to my pleasures.

Did anyone close to you give birth? Both my friends Nessa and Ditte had babies this year! Nessa her first and Ditte her second. Also my cousin Chrissy had her second child and my cousin Lindy had her first. It was a babyful year!

Did anyone close to you die? No, thank goodness. I’m done with that shit for a while.

What countries did you visit? Just the US. As I’ve said before, I’m a firm believer that we should explore our own turf before we start invading the turf of others, you know? Not enough people appreciate their own backyard (my backyard includes the entire western US, btw)

What would you like to have in 2013 that you lacked in 2012? Patience and a true measure of my self-worth.

What date from 2012 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? August 5th. It was my last day as a Festival organizer (though my last “official” day was December 31st, August 5th was my last day actually DOING the Festival).

What was your biggest achievement of the year? Getting into grad school. And losing 40 pounds.

What was your biggest failure? Letting insignificant jerks get to me.

Did you suffer illness or injury? I got shin splints twice, the second time because I didn’t rest enough after the first time. Boo.

What was the best thing you bought? As usual, my education.

Whose behavior merited celebration?  My brother Cutter. He really grew into his own this year, and I couldn’t be prouder.

Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? There were several people, all related to the Festival, whose behavior really rankled my nerves. A couple of folks I knew were shady and not really friends of mine, and so their behavior, while appalling, didn’t surprise me. However, there were several others whom I falsely believed to be my friends who instead treated me like crap, talked badly about me behind my back, and really made me question not just their friendship (or lack thereof) but a good many friendships that I’d built over the years. The positive to come from this is that after a lot of soul searching, I learned a few things about how I relate to people and how much I really need to stop caring about things like this. It’s already taken up way too much of my time and energy.

Where did most of your money go? Grad school and the Festival. As always.

What made you really really really excited? Getting into grad school. Seeing Peter Gabriel in concert. Buying a new camera. I’m easy like that.

What song will forever remind you of 2012? It’s a toss-up between Gotye’s “Somebody That I Used to Know” (that Karlos and I wouldn’t stop singing) and David Guetta’s “Titanium.”

Compared to this time last year, are you: happier or sadder? Happier. Much much happier.

thinner or fatter? Thinner.

richer or poorer? About the same at the moment. Give me a couple of months, a tax return, and a bonus, and I’ll be richer for sure.

What do you wish you’d done more of? Reading. Standing up for myself. Running.

What do you wish you’d done less of? Worrying about what other people think. Crying. Procrastinating.

How did you spend Christmas? Same as I always do. With my parents and brothers. Well worth it every single year. We are a strange bunch and we always enjoy one anothers’ company.

How did you spend New Year’s? Drinking and playing Cards Against Humanity with my parents and The Boyfriend. Laughed our asses off until we couldn’t breathe and then laughed some more. Also discovered that I am really pretty fucking disgusting.

Did you fall in love in 2012? Nope, just stayed in love.

How many one-night stands? I’m too old for that shit, though I do still understand its appeal.

What were your favorite TV programs? I haven’t really taken the time to watch much TV in 2012. I guess Warehouse 13, American Horror Story: Asylum, and Game of Thrones would be favorites. True Blood as well. I rewatched all of Eureka over the fall term and I realized how much I truly miss that show. SyFy done fucked up, yo.

Do you dislike anyone now that you didn’t dislike this time last year? Yes. Unfortunately. I don’t enjoy disliking folks. I really don’t. (surprise, I know) But the short of it is that I have developed a distaste for several people, and am working to detach them from my life a bit at a time to minimize fallout. Because these are the kind of people who enjoy parading around on the drama llama whenever they get the chance.

What was the best book you read? Ooooh. Good question. Cheryl Strayed’s Wild was really good. That would probably get my vote.

What was your greatest musical discovery? Um. Hm. The Lumineers I guess?

What did you want and get? A 4.0 for my fall term.

What did you want and not get? A girlfriend for The Roommate.

What was your favorite film of last year? Well. Huh. I don’t think I set foot once in a theater last year. I guess of all the films I saw on disc or TV, that would be…meh. The last Harry Potter I suppose.

What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? I turned 37 and I hiked to the top of Mount Diablo and back.

What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? Getting closer to my weight loss goal. I really wanted to be 70 pounds down by now and not just 40, but I really shouldn’t complain. 40 is better than nothing.

How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2012? The same as always. Comfort with a dash of wacky socks.

What kept you sane? World of Warcraft. No fucking doubt. If I couldn’t get in game and run raids and talk shit with all my guildies, I would have gone completely mental by the end of the summer.

Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? I’m not sure I even paid attention to any celebrities or public figures enough this year to have a proper opinion.

What political issue stirred you the most? Everything gender- or sexuality-related leading up to the election in November. So much ridiculous bullshit.

Whom did you miss? I missed my grandmother.

Who was the best new person(s) you met? Well I already sort of met them last year but this year I really got to know them, and that would be Brian and Kelly from Portland. They fucking ROCK.

Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2012: Tripper Harris was right. It just doesn’t matter!

Favorite memory of 2012? Eating pho at a random restaurant in Grant’s Pass, OR and having the waitress mercilessly harass Karlos for the entirety of the meal. (I think it was her way of flirting with him. HARD.)