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Archive for January, 2009

You’ll love this one.

Forgive me for being just a bit vague, but I’m trying to at least be a little…ahem…tactful about this. This is the fifth incarnation of this post, as the first four were still very angry…too angry to go live with.

Apparently a friend of mine’s soon-to-be-ex-wife dug up a picture I took of him while we were on a business trip. This picture is only available in one place on the internet: buried deep in my MySpace profile, in one of the many many MANY photo albums I have there. Yes, I realize it’s not set to Private. I’m not concerned about that. I know that people will stumble upon my stuff and poke through it. That’s par for the course.

No. This person? SEARCHED my name on MySpace. CRAWLED over my profile. DUG through my collection of photo albums. SLITHERED through one of the last albums on the list. And found the one single photo I have of my friend making a goofy air-kissing pose with fellow business associates. And then proceeded to rub it in his face via voice mail, as though she happened to just accidentally stumble across some mind-blowingly incriminating images that could very well cause him legal and custodial headaches.

OK, gloves come off now.

LOOK. You can be a psycho internet stalker nosy assfaced whore all you want. That’s your prerogative. If a grown-assed woman feels she needs to behave like a 14-yr-old buffoon, then by all means, GO FOR IT. Trust me, it provides all of us with hours upon hours of material from which to cull many laughs.

What you will NOT do is drag me down with you. What you did was CREEPY. CREE. PY. Do you even understand that? Do you know what I mean? Do you know how outright strange it is for you to actually go directly to a social networking website and specifically search my full name? No, please. Don’t make excuses. Don’t lie and say “Oh I accidentally found it.” Bitch, I ain’t stupid. I tested this out multiple times. The only way you can find my MySpace profile without spending hours upon hours digging through hundreds of thousands of search engine results is to go to MySpace and search my full name. Which means you were digging for something. And WHY would you search my name in general? Who are you to be going through my stuff as though I’m somehow harboring known criminals? You and I? We’re not dating. We’re not related. We’re not friends. Just because I’m on the internet doesn’t mean you get to use my stuff against other people. Go set your self-assembly crucifix up in someone else’s backyard.

You are nutty. You’re cuckoo. You’re insane. You’re several bananas and a small mandarin orange short of a fruit basket. You make me ashamed to be a woman. I have two words of advice for you.

GROW.

UP.

If you acted like an adult, acted like a wife, acted like a parent, acted like a grown-assed human being…you wouldn’t be getting divorced. Your life is not my problem. Your marriage is not my problem. Your distrust in your soon-to-be-ex is not my problem. Your nosiness and your paranoia are Not. My. Problem. So do me a huge favor. Keep my name out of your mouth. Keep it away from your keyboard. Keep it off your damn computer screen. Get it the fuck out of your head. Do yourself a huge favor and don’t poke at this viper’s nest any further. Unlike you, I can string words together to make coherent sentences. And next time, I won’t be quite so gentle with my comments. Seriously. GET. HELP.

I’ll just say this right now: people become haughty, judgmental little fuckers when given the opportunity to hide behind the comfort of the internet. Being online gives us the freedom to do the most incredibly insensitive, arrogant, obnoxious things, like bragging about all your achievements in an attempt to one-up another ‘net denizen. Tell me again about your awesomely high IQ? No, let’s mention it again, because in a moment, someone more haughty and more arrogant than you appear to be will come along and trump your number with theirs, which will be…surprise surprise…much higher, making them the smartest person in the conversation. Until another prick follows up behind them to brag their own digits. 

Or how about sizing one another up based on the type of car you drive, size of house you own, number of cameras/televisions/Blu-Ray players/game consoles/expensive shoes/solid gold dildos you possess…wow. Because nothing is more awesome than having the best/most toys. Obviously builds character, makes you a damn saint, and affords you the freedom of lording over others. Tell me again how amazing you are? I just need to know exactly how high of a building I should throw myself off of.

And then there’s my personal fave. Oh you’ll love this. Hey, let’s sit around and start a popularity contest. But we’re not going to start it between actors, singers, random celebrities, etc. No. We’re going to actually cull our picks from the general populace right here at our very feet. Yes. That’s right. We will now tell you exactly does and does not pass muster amongst their internet peers. Because life doesn’t stop sucking when the work day ends. No sir! We’re going to continue to tear you down limb from limb while you attempt to escape to the internet to be around people you find interesting, the kind you feel comfortable being around because they won’t pick apart your appearance, your personality, your clothing taste, your —- hey, wait a minute! Where’d this list come from? And how come I’m not on it? Wow…tacky.

Believe you me, I’m not just saying this stemming from a single incident on the internet. I’m not crying because my feelers have been hurt. I’m not even angry. I’m just so sick of the way people treat each other when given a public forum and a potential audience of millions. I have been a moderator on the same message board for almost seven years now, and I still see examples of everything I described above. Not even a month ago, someone posted a “The Best Posters on this Site” thread, wanting everyone to name who they thought were the best people on the message board. I was on their list, which you would think would be flattering. But I don’t find that flattering. I find it kind of crass. I find it to be inexplicably judgmental. I don’t want to be included on that sort of list. On that same forum around four years ago, a fellow created a thread about which message board members he found to be the hottest. Aside from the fact that he made lewd sexual comments (“Damn, my keyboard’s getting sticky”), he listed a small handful of names and gave reasons why they were hot. Nobody really spoke up at first, so I did. I saw the problem as twofold. First, it created a meat-market type mentality wherein the female board members were reduced to nothing more than spank material, even though they’d never asked to be judged as such. Second, it created a clear delineation of “You people over there, you’re not attractive. Here’s a stack of paper bags. Be sure to cut some eye holes first.” After I spoke up, many members approached me and thanked me for saying what I said. Unfortunately, most of the male board members clapped the guy on his virtual back and added their own two cents. Shortly afterwards, I took a three month hiatus from that board and most of the internet. Wish shit had improved while I was gone.

Recently I’ve witnessed a resurgence of these behaviors on FriendFeed more than anywhere else. It’s pissing me off. I’ve discovered so many fantastic new acquaintances, and I love the banter we all trade and the links, photos, and personal gossip we dish. I suppose it’s my own naïveteé to expect FF to be elevated above the childishness of a message board. It’s clear to me now that it’s not. This is not a personal slam on any specific person. This is just a commentary on what I’ve witnessed and the reactions I’ve seen some people have to this stuff. People who object to being voted upon or forced into some division between popular and unpopular, attractive or not, are told to suck it up. Deal with it. It’s just fun! Block people from your feed if you don’t like it! Oh lighten up! IT’S TEH INTARWEB!

So there’s that same old song and dance that has become the mantra of the 21st century…don’t be accountable for your words or your actions. Make others accept what you say and do without yourself ever compromising. It’s easier to tell someone to shut up and quit ruining your fun than it is to think for even a fraction of  a second before you hit Submit, “Is this going to be misconstrued? Should I even be posting this? What are the repercussions of my actions?”

I say all this…and then I remember…this is the internet. With this many degrees of separation between us and other human beings, I’m surprised we are even able to pretend to be civilized most of the time. Cheers, internet. You should be proud for all you’ve done.