Archive for January, 2010
Ashes & Izzard
Yesterday really was nothing short of weird for me. Funeral mass in the morning, family gathering in the afternoon (complete with alcohol), comedy show in the evening. I’m not even sure how my brain was able to cope with the rapid switches between happy, sad, repentant, pious, frustrated, irritated, melancholy, mirthful…maybe the fact that I can barely operate the coffee pot this morning is an indication of how fried my synapses are.
I never go to church. It’s not my gig. You kinda ought to believe in that crap for it to be a good use of your time, to be honest. The last time I’d been through a Catholic mass was for my cousin’s wedding in 2006. Prior to that…well…hm. It had been a very very VERY long time. Since prior to high school, I’d guess. Yet all that good ol’ Catholic programming worked wonders because when the mass began yesterday, it was like no time at all had passed. I remembered hymns and prayers and responses. I knew when the kneel, sit, stand, nod, close my eyes, smile, not smile, accept the offering, shake hands…well, if anything, my grandmother ought to be proud. I pulled it off one last time, just for her. Never again.
Because someone decided that the family should be arranged from oldest to youngest, and because my father is the oldest child, my folks and Cutter and I were seated in the very first pew. And somehow I ended up being the very first person in that pew. So that anytime anything took place that required us to step forth or stand or move or whatever, I was the lead-off person. Why couldn’t it have been one of my relatives who actually, y’know, does this shit?
Best part of the funeral: The priest sounded like Geoffrey Holder, and I kept holding my breath every time he spoke because I was waiting for that laugh.
Worst part of the funeral: After receiving the first part of the eucharist (the bread), I almost choked on the second part (the wine) because that bread? IT STICKS. It’s not as easy to eat as I remember. Apparently Catholics are going all industrial-strength with their unleavened wafers these days. Thx, Pope.
Biggest WTF Moment: During the funeral, each grandchild carried a “gift” up to the altar…almost all were framed photos of Huny with the people she loved in her life. Her siblings, parents, children, grandchildren. You know. That sort of thing. And then there was the creepy Dead Baby Geddes pic my Cousin decided was appropriate to include. Y’all would be proud of me…I masked my horror so well, my brother actually thought it was a look of approval I wore. Thankfully, the Dead Baby Box was not in attendance.
The graveside ceremony was short and sweet, unlike the funeral itself that went on for almost TWO HOURS. Y’all, a Catholic mass only lasts an hour. Can you even imagine what we did to double its length? Good grief. At least the restaurant was right down the street from the cemetary, and of course we congregated around the bar. And by “we” I mean the cousins. We had the wait staff set up our own “kids table” right at the bar where we ate and drank and laughed until it was time to head out. Huny would have been proud.
On With the Larfs
Coworker Sean was kind enough to pick me up and drive us to the Eddie Izzard show at Oracle Arena in Oakland. Where he proceeded to pay THIRTY DOLLARS for parking. I KNOW, right? I wouldn’t have believed it myself had I not seen it with my own two eyes. And that didn’t even include a handjob or a finger up the backside.
Life got even more screwey once we bellied up to the bar and paid nineteen bucks for a beer and a single Baileys on the rocks. Calculate in that the tickets cost almost a hundred bucks apiece and you’ve got yourself the makings of a good old-fashioned dry-socket raping. Oracle and Ticketmaster can get together and eat my ass. Go on, get in there, guys. Plenty of room for everyone.
Eddie Izzard was hilarious as always, but I was so damn tired from a hard week at work, a hard week in school, a funeral, and other things, that I actually FELL ASLEEP. Like twice. At least the show was loud enough that you couldn’t hear me snore. At least, I don’t think it got to the point of snoring. Coworker Sean hasn’t said anything, so I could be safe. At least he wasn’t internet-savvy enough to post a pic of me sleeping to the @eddieizzard Twitter feed for the entire arena to see. Because all I ever wanted was to look cool in front of thousands of people I don’t even know.
I note with some amusement that the show did not get canceled, which makes me think that perhaps my unlucky streak with concerts has been broken? I had good seats and everything, which is totally karma’s cue to fuck me hard when I’m not looking. Someone please get on the phone to Depeche Mode and let ‘em know I’m ready for their return. Any time now. That’d be great. Yup…
Year-End Meme!
It’s that time of year again, folks. I know I failed to do one last year, so I’m picking up the slack for this year. Consider it a smarter way of giving you a year-end recap than just blah-blah-blahing for 30 paragraphs.
Manda Year-in-Review Meme!
What did you do in 2009 that you’d never done before? Hugged a giant. No, srsly. I hugged a giant. That is the most unique and interesting thing I did all year that I’d never done before.
Did you keep your New Year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year? I never keep resolutions, but I’ll keep making ‘em. I’ll definitely go a little looser on my resolution definitions this year. That way there’s less of a chance I’ll completely fail. Yes, that’s how I win. I cheat the system. Hey, it worked for Kirk. Consider resolutions to be my own personal Kobayashi Maru.
Did anyone close to you give birth? Jesus Christ, people were squirting out kids left and right last year, and I still have like four friends who are due in the first quarter of 2010. Fuck, people. We need to find y’all some hobbies.
Did anyone close to you die? If people weren’t kicking out the sperm infections, they were dropping like flies. I had no less than three people die on me this year. THREE PEOPLE. Dude.
What countries did you visit? I visited jack shit other than a couple of other states.
What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009? Sex? I’m just sayin’.
What date from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? Two dates will remain permanently etched in my brain. One is November 1st…the day I met the person who has put me in such a damn good mood for the past two months. And the other is August 11th…the day Depeche Mode went stupid and canceled the show at Shoreline. Yes. I’m still bitter after all these months. Yes. I will still kill you if you mock me.
What was your biggest achievement of the year? Surviving yet another festival, this one far more jacked up than anything to come before it.
What was your biggest failure? Ooooh…hm. Well since it’s still pretty fresh, I guess it would be not going to see my grandmother while she was on her deathbed. I’m sorry, I just couldn’t do it. I’d rather remember her vibrant and healthy, not weak and sporting a fine death pallor. It’s ok, I’ve failed people on their deathbed before. This probably won’t be the last time it happens.
Did you suffer illness or injury? Just a bruised ego here and there.
What was the best thing you bought? My education. Hands down.
Whose behavior merited celebration? Jenny, who once again kicked all kinds of ass and pulled a fucking MASTER’S DEGREE out of her ass while PREGNANT. We should all be ashamed of being so damn fail in life. Seriously.
Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? I think people in general kind of depressed and appalled me in 2009. I think more than before, I saw so many instances of just total brutish behavior from all sectors of the human race. I still don’t know who we think we are to be levying such atrocities on one another. We need a reality check, STAT.
Where did most of your money go? Bills, tuition, and the festival. BOO.
What made you really really really excited? I had quite a few things that made me super duper excited in 2009. Meeting a nice guy, getting great concert tickets (even though two of the three concerts never panned out), camping on the coast, finding out Karlos had bought his place ticket to come visit this summer, getting accepted to the docent program, finally dinging 80 in World of Warcraft. WHAT? Don’t look at me like that.
What song will forever remind you of 2009? Oooh. Uh. Hm. It’s a four-way tie I think…between LP’s “Cling to Me”, Hot Chip’s “One Pure Thought”, Lady Gaga’s “Paparazzi”, and Owl City’s “Fireflies”.
Compared to this time last year, are you:
happier or sadder? Much much happier.
thinner or fatter? I believe I’m a little thinner. JUST LET ME LIVE THE LIE PLZ, KTHX.
richer or poorer? About the same. Post-Christmas is always a semi-broke time for me ’cause I’m saving up to pay off my Winter term tuition plus I’ve gone overboard as always during the holidays. Oops. This is why I enjoy doing my taxes. Extra income in January? YES PLZ.
What do you wish you’d done more of? Gone outdoors. I spent too much time shut inside doing schoolwork. Also, blogging. I failed my blog in 2009. And my blog readers. I’M SO SORRY, I STILL LOVE YOU.
What do you wish you’d done less of? Gaming? Schoolwork? Dunno. I don’t think I did either one in excess. I wish I’d been less of a bitch? That might be more appropriate. I was kind of cunty in 2009.
How did you spend Christmas? Same as always, in my pajamas with my folks and brothers. I wouldn’t have it any other way, really.
How did you spend New Year’s? Same as always, in my pajamas with my cats, playing WoW and eating something yummy. I’m not a partier. Y’all know that. So why would New Year’s be any different?
Did you fall in love in 2009? I think so. I’m pretty sure, but give me a little time. It may become full-bloom in 2010. *fingers crossed*
How many one-night stands? None. I decided the idea of being a dirty whore didn’t appeal to me much at all. What? YES I’M JUDGMENTAL. I’m not sorry. Sleep around, you deserve the reputation to go with it.
What were your favorite TV programs? I really dug Warehouse 13, United States of Tara, and Modern Family. I tried to get into Glee, Community, and Dollhouse but I missed too many eps, so maybe those will become faves in 2010? Oh, and out of my love for the books, I did grow a little fond of The Vampire Diaries.
Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year? Nah. I don’t have the energy for hate. I barely have the energy for love, to be honest.
What was the best book you read? Did I even read anything non-academic last year? Gah! Um. I think Winterkill by Craig Lesley was the best book I read in 2009. I really enjoy his books. Highly recommend him.
What was your greatest musical discovery? I’m not sure I really had one in 2009. I rediscovered some old albums, including Jefferson Airplane’s Surrealistic Pillow. Which led me to rediscover “Today”, which I absolutely adore.
What did you want and get? The docent position at Lake Solano.
What did you want and not get? Summa cum laude at school. BOOOOOOOOOOOO.
What was your favorite film of last year? I saw exactly one film in 2009, and that was the new Trek flick, which definitely was NOT a favorite.
What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? I had my birthday off this year, but I was up until 6am on my birthday working on a report for work, and then I climbed in bed and slept until 1pm; I then woke up and had fast food with my roommates and watched a Blu-Ray. Yup, that’s about the size of it. Most ridiculously uneventful birthday ever. Oh, my old boss, the douchebag? Offered to spank me on my birthday. Ew. And I turned 34 last year. THANK YOU FOR THE REMINDER.
What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? Um, Depeche Mode not canceling? Ah, I’ll stop with the DM rants. Um…I don’t know that I’d really change anything about 2009. I found it pretty satisfying. The ups had some decent downs to balance it all out.
How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009? If it fits, wear it. No, honestly. I reached an unprecedented level of Not Giving a Shit when it came to fashion in 2009. All I wanted to do was feel comfy. C’mon, it’s not like I wore garbage bags or long flowing hippie tunics. I just sported jeans and hoodies a whole helluva lot more than usual.
What kept you sane? Masturbation. You think I’m joking?
Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? I spent the better part of the year having a bizarre girlcrush on Lady Gaga but only because she’s so fucking weird it’s hard NOT to like her in some way.
What political issue stirred you the most? Gay rights, as usual. I cannot even describe the disappointment I felt when the state upheld that ridiculous “constitutional amendment”, even though they did afford all those married while gays were allowed marriage the right to still be legally recognized. But c’mon. This is getting ridiculous, y’all.
Whom did you miss? Oh I missed lots of people. Jenny, Karlos, Jared…like really, it never changes.
Who was the best new person(s) you met? That would be The Guy I’m Super Interested In. I’m not sure words can adequately explain how goofy he makes me feel. I’m like a teenager. Giddy and giggly. MUST RETAIN CYNICISM. MUST KICK PUPPIES.
Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009: No matter how badly I want to, I just cannot handle a full plate plus three side dishes. I saw so many things fail for me last year and I directly attribute each failure to my inability to admit that I’ve taken on too much. I’d like to say that 2010 will be different but I can already tell you that it won’t be. The only thing going for me right now is that I graduate in June. At which point I will LOSE MY EVERLOVING MIND.
Favorite memory of 2009? Rachel talking about how she wears chainmail directly over her anus. That entire night was one long bout of belly-aching laughter. Seriously, I thought I was going to die from lack of oxygen. I’m glad I had the presence of mind to type out a few notes on my iPhone that night, plus take pictures. Of course, very little of it makes sense, but at least I tried.
And there you go, folks. My year-end meme. Sorry for not dishing more dirt. I’ll try harder this year. Really, I will. You know me. I cannot resist being Life’s Big Cosmic Joke. The goods will be delivered soon. I promise.