Mucho mejor, pero…¡ahora es día de los valentine!

Good news. The vagina and I are on speaking terms again. I promised to stop taking the Pamprin and being too forceful with the plugs, and the vagina has agreed to stop twisting into fun shapes and leaking like a sieve. All is well in the world of menstruation.

Now if my vagina could only speak to my butt to get it to stop withholding information, we’ll be all set.

Yes. I realize I’m indulging in some radical oversharing here. Honestly, not really worried at this point. I figure I’ve already made it clear I’m a Blowjob Queen, that I too believe monogamy is unnatural, and that I spent the whole weekend bleeding copious quantities from a single orifice of dubious nature. Why not just move right on to my butt?

At any rate, my cramps are gone and I feel relatively unlumpy today. I might even eat something for breakfast. Not sure. I forgot my fruit today and I’m at a loss for a suitable replacement. I simply refuse to walk all the way to the cafeteria so I can pay an exorbitant amount for an apple and a container of melon chunks. It’s just plain wrong. Besides, I know they’re serving heart-shaped pancakes today, and that thought alone makes me nauseated.

I supposed then that it makes sense, me feeling better today. Because it’s Valentine’s Day. My body refuses to take part in my annual V-Day miseryfest, so I’m on my own as far as working up the crankypants today.

Doesn’t take much though. I always know I can rely on morning radio to give me something to grouse about. I had to listen to some nonsense drivel about how people don’t want their S.O. to spend a lot of money for Valentine’s Day. Bull. Shit. Yeah, there are SOME people out there who think like that. But MOST people don’t. Most of them are all about the dollars. How much? How much did they spend on me today? How much did they give me today? Why only a dozen roses? Why not two dozen? Why only a pair of diamond earrings? Why not a matching pendant and ring? Why reservations at Applebee’s? Why not the Firehouse Restaurant? What, no rose petals on the bed? What, no candlelit bath?

Oh for fuck’s sake, people. I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again, and I will most likely continue saying it until the day I die. Why do we need a holiday to prove our love to one another? Seriously, Valentine’s Day is ridiculous. If you’re not showing/telling the people you love how you feel at any other point in the year, you probably should lock yourself in a dungeon and wait for death to overtake you. You simply are not human.

It’s already started around here. People being beckoned to the security desk two buildings over to pick up their flowers. Women drowning in perfume and draped in every gaudy piece of red clothing they own, topped off with even gaudier matching jewelry. Bizarre pink-frosted cupcakes dotted with conversation hearts left on a platter in the break room (yeah, I’m so going to eat something from unknown origins). And talking stuffed animals that people CANNOT stop squeezing. I’m going to sneak around during lunch and remove all the little squawkboxes from these stupid toys, I swear to god.

This day couldn’t be over fast enough. It really couldn’t…

OK, I’m no makeup queen. I’m really not. It’s so rare that I wear any, that when I do, my coworkers are shocked into a catatonic state.

I’m also no brand queen either. My whole life I’ve owned nothing but Covergirl, Revlon, Maybelline…except the one time I got stupid and bought $400 in Lancome products on my Macy’s card back in ’97. But let’s not talk about that.

So suffice it to say, it’s rare and unusual for me to endorse any makeup product, especially one that costs more than a couple of bucks and can only be picked up at a boutique or online.

That being said…I can’t tell you enough how much I’m loving my bareMinerals makeup. Seriously. It’s probably the best makeup investment I’ve ever made. And yes, it’s an investment. The starter kit is sixty bucks. Not cheap. But after seeing the informercial numerous times and then trying my cousin Juli’s bareMinerals stuff in November, I was hooked. I have oily/combination skin (depending on the time of year…during the winter my nose dries out badly), and I hate wearing foundation or even moisturizer. No matter how light companies allege their product to be, it always feels like I’m wearing a mask or oozing enough oil to cook up a batch of popcorn with.

I can honestly say that for the entire time I’m at work, my face does not feel oily. There’s something in this bareMinerals stuff that keeps my face from oiling up. And I don’t look like I’m wearing foundation. I just can’t get over how spiffy this stuff is. Seriously. Treat yourself. Buy a kit. And no, I’m not being paid to endorse. I’m just like…gobsmacked.

Although, if you do buy the starter kit, I suggest ordering it from Sephora

instead of directly from BareEscentuals. The BareEscentuals kit comes with a compact and brush, but the Sephora kit comes with this really cool “Skin Rev-er Upper” that is totally excellent for all skin types. It’s more worth it to have than the compact and brush. And both kits are the same price. So.

Do yourself a favor. Don’t try to buy this off of eBay. You will end up getting ripped off. I’ve poked through all the current bareMineral auctions on there, and the sellers are either offering the makeup with substandard brushes or they’re offering the sampler sizes of the makeup. And the few who are offering the real deal kits aren’t cutting you any price break because they’re charging through the wazoo for shipping. I swear to god, you can’t trust anyone on eBay anymore. People love to rip each other off. It’s such a bummer.