Monday never looked so good

I called it. I totally knew it was going to happen. I shouldn’t have even opened my mouth.

I had to reneg on my offer to help coworker Sean move. I woke up Friday morning almost too sick to move. After dosing up on Vicks Formula 44 and Dayquil, I went grocery shopping. Bad mistake. Two aisles into the excursion, I was wheezing and gasping for breath. I felt like a geriatric. You know shit is bad when an old lady with an oxygen tank passes you in the cereal aisle and gives you a look of pity.

I e-mailed coworker Sean as soon as I got home, letting him know how it was…I felt bad for being sick and didn’t want to infect others, but I wouldn’t bail on him unless he told me not to show up.

Six hours passed, and not a peep was heard in response. “Oh for fuck’s sake…” I groaned at around Hour Four. “He hates me because he thinks I’m a lazy flake.” I pondered calling him but didn’t want to deal with the terse phone call that I was sure I would encounter.

I finally mustered up the gumption to call him at around 3:30pm…only to discover that he’d gone home for the day! I knew he wanted me dead. I was sure he was picking out his weapon of choice and everything. In a panic, I called coworker Tom for reassurance. When he answered, I rasped out my hello and he immediately said “Oh my god, you’re still sick. You’re not going tomorrow.” It wasn’t a question…it was a command. I told him how Sean hadn’t responded and he said Sean hadn’t seemed mad all day. Maybe he was just too busy? At any rate, I shouldn’t show up tomorrow because that would just make everyone else sick. I thanked Tom for his help and went back to bed.

Woke up briefly Saturday morning at around 9am and thought “Oh I should be moving furniture right now.” Went right back to sleep after a quick pee and another dose of Nyquil. At around noon I crawled out of bed and called my mom to see when she wanted me to come by to plant marigold pots. She hadn’t expected me until Sunday, but since it was threatening to rain for the rest of the weekend, we called off the plans entirely. I crawled back into bed with my laptop and attempted to blog, but the only thing I really got out was my voting request. The rest of the day was spent in my room, miserable and tired.

Of course by today, Monday…I’m sparkling clean, healthy, and happy. What the-? I come back to work intending to prove how sick I really was, and I don’t even have a cough to show for it. Not a runny nose, not chapped lips…not even a phlegm globber. Great. I will forever be known as The Flake.

I’m going to knock on wood that this doesn’t come back. I don’t need to be sick yet again. And I’m almost out of Nyquil.

Happy Monday, my peeps.