Did I miss the memo that said November would be the Month of Wacky Shit Products? Cheez-It in a can? Kill me now.
Saw the commercial for this product about an hour ago while watching last week’s ep of My Name Is Earl that I discovered on my TiVo, buried beneath about twenty hours of Halloween programming gone overboard. How fitting to advertise spray cheese during a redneck show. I’m sure it’s no coincidence.
Reading the specs on the page is really the highlight here. I’m especially enamored with the section entitled “Warming Instructions.” First off, I’m kind of confused because I wasn’t aware that merely dispensing the product would indeed heat it up. In fact, I didn’t know that it was a heated product to begin with. I must have missed that part of the commercial while I was gagging and pounding my fists on the desk.
It’s sad, really, that someone has to be told how to use a can of spray cheese. Although when you think about it, the kind of person who would eat this (and probably count it as a serving of dairy to boot) is most likely the same kind of person who would have no clue how to dispense their tangy liquid gold. Color me surprised that there isn’t some sort of safety on the can to prevent users from putting an eye out while snacking.
And pray tell what type of crackers one would serve Cheez-It spray cheese on? Oh please don’t say Cheez-Its. PLEASE don’t say that. Because that? That’s nasty. Cheese on Cheez is just wrong. There’s codes of conduct violated just by even thinking such things.
OK, so far we’ve had self-heating canned coffee and now spray Cheez-It cheese. Oh I can’t wait to see what else is coming down the pipeline…
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How I want that to be a typographical error, so it can be “Warning instructions” instead of “Warming instructions”.
Since my mind seems to go into casting agent mode whenever I’m seeing weird products lately, let me introduce you to the rapturous brain confetti that is Paulie Shore picking up a can of Cheez-It and intoning, “Ooh. Squi-irt cheese.”
Pauly Shore is about the only part of my teen years that makes me cringe. I used to know girls who thought he was hot. Like, smokin’ hot. Of course, I have no room to talk with my Alan Rickman fetish, but still! At least Rickman has talent! Or something…
I’m trying to think of a time when I thought spray cheese was cool. And I’m drawing a blank. And I know I’ve eaten the stuff before but apparently it was such a traumatic experience that I’ve repressed the memory. The basic concept of being able to “spray” cheese is horrifying enough.
Alan Rickman in Sense and Sensibility saying, “Give me some occupation, Miss Dashwood, or I shall run mad,” is catalogued in my mind under Things That Make Me Go “Mrwowr.”
This has nothing to do with squi-irt cheese, and thank heavens for that.
For me the defining Rickman moment was in Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves when the Sheriff is attempting to get his swerve on with Maid Marian and he climbs on top of her and pries her legs apart with his own legs. OH. MY. GAWD. That makes me all giddy in my girlparts every time…*drool*
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