The Reason the New Trek Irritates Me

It’s not because they’re rebooting a 42yr-old franchise. It’s not because they’ve rewritten some of the Trek canon that had been so carefully laid out over those 42 years. It’s not even because it’s J.J. “I eat a bag of dicks every single day because I’m a smug fuck” Abrahms.

It’s because there is an entire universe of us Trek fans who have stuck with the series from the get-go. We’ve enjoyed it, cherished it, defended it, defended ourselves, attended conventions, bought merchandise, discussed concepts, chosen favorite characters, debated captains, championed races, and even learned a little Klingon along the way. And that entire time…those entire 42 years…most of you couldn’t have given half a shit about Trek. You mocked Trekkies. You laughed at Trek conventions. You called it cheesy. Ridiculous. Told us that Star Wars was far superior. Threw Shatner-speak at us every step of the way. You made it very clear that Star Trek wasn’t your gig. And we were fine with that.

But suddenly…now it is. Throw a bunch of pretty faces and everyone’s favorite circle-jerk participant Abrahms into the mix and you’re all going fucking nuts for this film. You’re buying the merchandise and playing the trailers and seeing the IMAX version and crowing from the tops of the mountains about what an incredible film this is and how fucking awesome Star Trek is. You’re all a bunch of fucking hypocrites. Seriously. You’re a bunch of mindless bandwagon-jumping automatons who probably also jerked off over the Transformers film. You couldn’t make the fucking effort when the franchise was what it was…pure science fiction without the Heroes/Twilight/post-teen drama crap thrown in. It had to be put into easily-digestible chewable Flintstone Vitamin form for you to handle it. Congratulations on that. Think perhaps now you can actually make the effort to take in the rest of the franchise? No? Yeah, didn’t think so. Hope the ride doesn’t get too bumpy because that bandwagon looks a little rickety.

And now you mock us because many of us Trekkies have expressed our displeasure at the way the reboot has been handled. You’ve called us bitter and sad and pathetic because we’re concerned about the future of our franchise. And why shouldn’t we be? Once again, you didn’t care about it before, but now that it’s being made in a nice little shiny package that fits in with your definition of “cool”, you’re all over it. And we’re all supposed to shove out of the way. You people are the plague. You are the pop-culture-subscribing masses that move through like a swarm of locusts, destroying everything in your path until the only thing that’s left is a few blades of grass and a street sign. You’re the reason Rob Zombie remade Halloween. You’re the reason Dan Brown is still getting his piece of shit books published. You’re the reason The Secret is a bestseller (don’t get me started on THAT crap). You’re the reason why reality TV flourishes. You are the reason that Kelly sodding Clarkson has a fucking music career.

So thank you. Thank you SO MUCH for supporting the Trek reboot. Because really, we know you’ll kill it much faster than time ever would. Won’t be long now until the next bandwagon pulls up.

Welcome to the Trek universe, noobs. We’ll try not to be too hostile.