“I’ve never…”: Dating Edition!

You know that drinking game, right? The one where you say “I’ve never…” followed by the admission of something you’ve never done (duh). And then anyone else in the room who has done what you’ve admitted to never doing has to take a drink. Theoretically the drunkest person in the room is also the sluttiest, as these games often degrade into talk of anal sex and bukkake parties gone awry. (See here for Family Guy’s example).

Keeping in the theme this week, which is apparently “Amanda Sucks At Dating”, I thought I’d offer you my own version of “I’ve Never”, centered entirely around my love life and lack thereof. Feel free to drink up as often as you like. If you’re inclined to stay sober, then free free to point and laugh your ass off.

• I’ve never had a guy tell me that I’m attractive. The closest I ever got was when a high school boyfriend’s little brother told me that my boyfriend had shown my picture to his family just after we started dating and said “Isn’t she HOT?!” Unfortunately the little brother didn’t indicate whether or not the vocal inflection used was indicative of praise or sarcasm. He also didn’t include the feedback received from the family members that were present.
• I’ve never held hands in public with someone I’m dating. This isn’t by my doing. That’s for damn sure.
• I’ve never dated someone who expressed a Public Display of Affection towards me in any way, shape, or form. Really? It’s not like I’m the damn Hunchback of Notre Dame.
• I’ve never had a guy express anything towards me on Valentine’s Day. Not even the ones I was dating during the damn holiday. Not even a card. And yeah, I hate that stupid holiday anyway because it’s just an excuse for women to bilk tons of crap out of men, but still. Could there have not been at least a tiny bit of effort? Even just a fucking hug?
• I’ve never had casual sex. Not sure if this is a bad thing either. For me, sex is kind of important in terms of taking a relationship to the next level. I don’t make the decision to sleep with someone lightly. So to treat it like it’s just another activity, like knitting or gaming, just cheapens the entire affair as far as I’m concerned.
• I’ve never had sex with a guy who understood the point above or cared that I’d chosen them to be intimate with. I’m sorry, not to sound conceited, but my body is a fucking temple as far as I’m concerned. There ought to be some sort of semblance of honor when I grant a man access to worship it accordingly. I think I deserve at least that much. We all do, to be honest.
• I’ve never gone on an actual date. Yeah, once or twice in high school I went to the movies with a guy and a group of friends, and I think once in my adult life I may have gone on a similar type of date. But the whole guy-picks-girl-up-dinner-&-a-movie-goodnight-kiss-on-the-porch rigmarole? Nada.
• I’ve never dated a guy who didn’t in some way make me feel awful about myself. If they weren’t telling me I was fat or ugly, they were calling me a dumb cunt, a stupid whore, or just plain cheating on me. And the one guy who didn’t fall into those categories expressed his displeasure for me by dumping me without saying a word. He just stopped calling, coming over, or even talking to me. And men wonder why women date other women.
• I’ve never experienced actual romance. Ever. I’m not even sure I’d know what romance was even if it jumped up and bit my nipples off.
• I’ve never had anyone use a pickup line on me. Though I’ve heard my fair share of pickup lines, they were always used on the person sitting adjacent to me. I’m not sure if this is really a bad thing, though.
• I’ve never been the girl who wasn’t being distracted by the wingman. You know how in bars, there’s a pair of girls, and a guy will have his buddy – his “wingman” – run interference with the less attractive of the two so the guy can mack on the hot one? I’ve always ended up with the wingman. Always.
• I’ve never had a guy ask me to dance. At least, not one that wasn’t drunk and high in a bar in the Tenderloin of San Francisco.
• I’ve never truly been in love. Oh, I’ve loved past boyfriends. But to me there’s a distinction between loving someone and being in love with someone. Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever truly fall in love.
• I’ve never had a guy buy me flowers. It’s not something I require or expect. But, y’know. You see it happen to others and you wonder what’s so wrong with you that you can’t even elicit a bunch of daisies from a dude.
• I’ve never had a guy buy me a drink. Ok, look dude, you could do worse in this bar. Trust me. I’ve seen my competition.

Ah, that’s enough for now. Tomorrow we’ll play the reverse game…”I Have…” cuz holy shit, you will not believe some of the crap I can drop into your lap. I promise the remainder of this week is going to be full of amusing shit. And you’ll probably have a better understanding of WHY I AM THE WAY I AM.