Happy Happy Birthday, Baby

Today The Boyfriend turns the Big 4-0. Yes, I’m dating an old man now. Pretty soon we’ll be refilling his Viagra prescriptions and I’ll have to help him wipe his own arse. But for now, we’re going to celebrate and pretend that nobody on this planet is aging.

Right now I’m sitting in my hotel room, fresh from the salon where I got my hair and makeup did. And because I’m feeling kind today, here’s proof that I am indeed a girl…

I clean up pretty good, don't I?

I’m pretty okay with how my look turned out. Once it gets dark or we get under some dim lighting, I’ll look fabulous. But in broad daylight? I am frightening. Let me preface the following string of complaints by saying that both girls who worked on my hair and makeup at the salon were very kind, and I really think that my displeasure with how things turned out is my own fault for not being more specific about what I wanted and not speaking up to halt the process before the train jumped the fucking tracks.Let’s start with the hair. Ah…it’s not bad. But I really wanted to wear it down and full. I wanted big wavy romantic starlet hair. When I told the girl “I want my hair to be poofy”, I should have supplied photos. See, I hate being the person who shows up to the salon bearing photos of how their hair needs to be. Because often times people select styles and cuts that aren’t that possible with their particular hair situation. However, this is one of those times when it would have been very appropriate. What I’m now left with is half of my hair pulled back and up, with just a little height to it, and then the rest is down and curly. For now. By the time The Boyfriend sees me, my hair will most likely have relaxed and it will just look stringy and overdone with product. But whatevs.

My makeup…I…yeah. I had to fix it when I got back to the hotel. And this is also my fault. I thought it would be easy, telling the girl at the makeup counter that I wanted a romantic look, with emphasis on the eyes and lips, and definitely styled for the evening where everything is dimly lit. She was kind enough to provide me with magazines so I could try and find someone with a look similar to what I wanted. I sort of found something. It worked. Except that when she asked me if I wanted a sheer coverage or complete coverage (for my foundation), I stupidly thought “Well complete coverage would be better because my skin can look a little blotchy sometimes.” Because I wear BareMinerals for foundation and it is sheer yet provides complete coverage. And THAT is what I thought I’d get. No, what I’ve gotten is a thick pasty liquid foundation that she had to apply with a brush and many many strokes. I should have known things were going to be bad when it took her longer to apply the foundation than to do the rest of the makeup job. If you get too close to me, you can see I am pasty and unnatural looking. I smile and there are creases left behind where my laugh lines form. She put zero blush on me, so I had to add my own when I got back here to the hotel. I tried to remove some of the foundation but I’m too afraid that I’ll ruin things. So I’m just going to sit in shadows as much as possible.I’m wearing false eyelashes though, and that’s fun. It makes me feel all glamorous since I rarely wear these things. I kept trying to bat them at people as I walked back to my room from the salon.

Honestly though, if my hair and makeup are the only two things that I am displeased with tonight, then I’m golden. Yes, I’m knocking on wood as I type this. I’m multitalented.

The room is decorated up as best as possible, and I’ve gotten all the gifts wrapped and the cake frosted up. And because I’m the Nicest Girlfriend On the Planet, I opted for four simple birthday candles instead of those big chunky 4 and 0 number candles. Because who really wants that on their cake, mocking your old age with melted wax and flames.