Why does Target bother?

I know there was a point in time where I worshipped the ground that Target walked on. I was skipping classes to head over there and buy shit I didn’t really need and couldn’t really afford, all for the sake of spending time in my beloved Tarjay.

But now…the thought of having to shop there makes my bowels twist up and force poo back up through my pyloric sphincter. It’s because of Target that I have a tummy full of turds. Target and their infinite Wisdom of Holy Merchandising.

At work we can win little awards doing nice things for coworkers. And we win gift cards. Our choices are limited because apparently so is our brain capacity for grasping the concept of “Not everybody shops in the strip mall across the street.” I dread winning the awards because it means I have to pick the lesser of evils from a list of prime evils…Nordstrom (who the fuck shops there anymore? I mean, really), Home Depot, Borders, Target, and the local mall. Eeech. So Target it is.

As soon as the card is in my hot little hands, I feel the overwhelming urge to spend it as FAST as I can. I don’t care what I buy…I just need to spend. The cards are worth $45, so usually I go for a couple of CDs or DVDs. This weekend was no exception. I received an award yesterday and marched it on over to the girl who handles the awards, eagerly awaiting my chance to sniff the red-n-white plastic card she had stored in a little lock box under her desk. Lord knows I might steal them and go on a crazy shopping spree. Wheeee!

I decided I wanted to pick up the latest CDs for Hoobastank, P.O.D., and storyoftheyear. So Kevin, Cutter, and I all head over to Target with my handy dandy giftcard, stride on up to the CD displays, and lo and behold…the only CD I can find is Hoobastank. Thankfully it IS their new one (The Reason) and I don’t have to go completely postal. Of course, I can’t find anyone else’s albums. I finally decided to snag a few other albums instead that seemed ok…Hilary Duff, John Mayer, Five for Fighting…finally picked up a copy of Linkin Park’s Live in Texas album/dvd as well. But of course…there were still a ton of albums that Target failed to have. Not only that, but their DVD selection made me want to cry. It’s a crime…a crime I tell ya!

So I left Target, sad and dejected…minus a few albums. I cried myself to sleep that night because I felt so empty inside. Target has pushed me into therapy. I now see a shrink twice a week. When I close my eyes all I can see is concentric circles of red and white. One day Target will be responsible for the fall of modern civilization. All because they cannot fulfill my musical needs. I am less of a person for this…