Volunteer THIS, buddy

volunteer

\Vol`un*teer”\, v. i. To enter into, or offer for, any service of one’s own free will, without solicitation or compulsion; as, he volunteered in that undertaking.

I stole the above definition from dictionary.com…

Had to go there and check and see if maybe I misunderstood what it meant to volunteer for something. I mean, I’m not the brightest bulb on the tree…but I’m pretty sure I at least know the small, simple words in life. I’ve volunteered for stuff in the past. I’ve signed up on lists, raised my little hand in meetings, sent off e-mails offering my services. It’s something I’m more than a little familiar with.

So imagine my complete surprise and utter annoyance when I came across an e-mail in my inbox on my first day back from vacation thanking me for volunteering for United Way’s “Week of Caring.” WTF? I had to check my network settings to make sure I really was receiving my own e-mail and not getting crossed wires somewhere. Then I had to double-check the e-mail to see if it was a hoax or some kind of stupid forwarded crap that my coworkers LOVE to send me. (I must have a neon sign flashing “SEND ME ALL YOUR STUPID SPAM JOKES”)

I spent approximately 3 seconds being mildly annoyed by the idea that someone would put my name in as a volunteer for something while I was out on vacation. Then I got all rational for a few minutes and was like “Oh, I bet they’re just asking for volunteers…this is probably just a general notice that everyone got.” Then I opened the e-mail again and reread it. And reread it one more time for good measure.

Turns out I shouldn’t have been mildly annoyed. No, most definitely not. Whatever was I thinking?

I shouldn’t have been mildly annoyed…I should have been downright fucking pissed.

Some assmaster had “volunteered me” as a team member for our department’s Week of Caring project. How in the hell do you volunteer someone? According to the definition above, that wouldn’t be “without solicitation or compulsion.” In fact, it sounds extremely compulsory to me. Sheeeit, it’s one step away from grabbing me by the scruff of the neck, carrying me to the catbox, and plopping me down in the litter while saying “See? You’re gonna like it.”

I vented on one of my coworkers when he arrived for work that day. I crabbed and pissed and moaned and told him how that was the dumbest thing I’d ever heard of. He gave me a wry grin and said “I was ‘volunteered’ as well…” Ugh. Someone needed to die. Badly. How could we be tortured like this?

Turns out the assmaster who volunteered us was none other than our boss. I still have not figured out why. I just haven’t had the nice in me to approach him and ask what the hell he was thinking.

Someone told me I was being kind of a bitch about the whole thing and how could I refuse to volunteer for a charity?

Easy. See, the charity I’ve been so graciously volunteered for is United Way. I hate United Way. More than most things on this motherloving planet. They funnel donations and whatnot down to various charities that fall under their watchful eye. I have ZERO say in which charity gets my donation or my time. Not to mention that most of my donation finds itself being gobbled up by United Way’s administration costs. WTF? Did I miss something here?

They do a huge push for United Way at work every year. It’s the most obnoxious thing you will ever see. They designate advocates for each department, and that person’s job is to harass you repeatedly during the charity drive period until you downright fucking crack and throw money at them just so they’ll leave you the fuck alone. It’s seriously one step away from harassment. In fact, I believe it IS harassment, but of course you can’t argue that with someone because arguing that you don’t want to participate in a charity drive makes you look like an evil bastard.

Needless to say, I’m pretty sure I have no say in this volunteer situation. I’m going to have to shut up and like it. That annoys me more than anything else. On the bright side, I get out of work for four hours. So. I guess that counts for something…