Random blathering

So I have this package of sliced swiss cheese in the break room refrigerator at work. It’s my mid-morning calcium-heavy snack. A couple of slices and I’m all happy until lunchtime.

I go into the break room this morning to get my cheese, and there are three jerkoffs standing in there, rapidly depleting the fresh pot of coffee and blocking my access to the fridge. I very politely said “Excuse me, just want to squeeze past you here.” You woulda thought I was talking to myself for all the good it did. They continued to stand there between me and my precious cheese slices as if I hadn’t even spoken. Their backs were all to me, and nobody was really talking. It was like they were coffee specters…just there to be in the way, steal all our fresh coffee, and then leave without a trace or a sound.

I waited a few seconds before repeating, louder this time…”Excuse me. I just need to get to my food in the fridge.” One of the persons turned around suddenly, apparently surprised that there were other people on this planet besides herself and her oblivious colleagues. She stood there, blinking and staring, and I started to wonder if maybe I smelled funny or had possibly sprouted antlers. My impatience growing exponentially, I gestured at the refrigerator, my hand within centimeters of the handle. The woman watched my attempt to reach for the handle and suddenly her lightbulb went on as she realized what it was I was attempting to do.

The other two people still pretended not to see me, and as the woman moved aside to let me into the fridge, the they migrated right into her place. And once again I was stuck without access to the fridge or my cheese slices. I was borderline psychotic at that point. All I wanted was my damn cheese! Who were these people?! I mean, honestly, how could anyone be that rude?!



Before I got a chance to open my mouth and tell these folks to fuck off and die, our resident ErgoNazi walked into the break room and happily greeted all three people. Turns out they’re bigwigs in our company. BIG wigs. I’m sure that would have gone over so well had I actually gotten the chance to unleash my fury on them. I could see the conversation down at the unemployment office…

“What were you terminated for?”

“I told the president of our opco to shove a cup of coffee up her ass.”

“Did you have any grounds for making such a suggestion?”

“Yes, bitch was standing in between me and my cheese slices, yo!”

I’m such a non-rebel…