Gone to Texas in a handbasket

I just returned from an excessively lengthy trip to Houston. Flew out Tuesday afternoon, flew back this morning. I was in Houston for 2 1/2 days. And believe me, that is lengthy by any standards. Yes folks, just mere hours ago I was in the great state of Texas.

Yee. Haw.

I honestly, deeply, truly do not understand from the depths of my soul why anyone enjoys Texas. Ok, maybe I’m not being fair. Dallas isn’t so bad. It’s actually quite a lively joint. And Austin is all artsy and hip. But honestly, the rest of the state has got to go. Especially Houston. Especially Houston.

What’s wrong with Houston? Or Texas? Oh where to start.

First off…where in the hell did these people learn to drive? Apparently their driver’s education course doesn’t show Red Asphalt. Because these people drive like they have a goddamned death wish. Case and point: My boss and I snagged an express shuttle from the airport to our hotel. I won’t even get into details as to how totally ghetto the damn van was. I think in most states, four large cracks that extend from one side of the windshield to the other constitutes the breakage of some laws and really begs immediate replacement for the safety of everyone in the vehicle.

So this shuttle driver thought he was Mario sodding Andretti, whipping through traffic on the beltway like he was driving a Miata instead of a giant fucking commuter van. At one point, he realized we were quickly approaching our exit, and without even batting an eyelash, he cranked the steering wheel hard to the right, cutting across four lanes of traffic in the span of about 100 feet. We were literally perpendicular to the rest of the vehicles behind us. All I could do was pray for a speedy and relatively painless death. On the plus side, he did manage to use his blinker. What a guy.

I think my favorite part of the entire experience was when the driver used his knees to hold the steering wheel while he fiddled with four fast-food soda cups, mixing some evil concoction of flat soda, melty ice bits, and a bottle of Aquafina all into the largest cup (Taco Bell, no less). Then he spent another few minutes deciding which straw he liked best. (Jack In the Box won) All while barreling down a merge lane at 80mph. Do you know, I never once saw him sip out of that damn cup during the ride to the hotel. I should have kicked him and run off with his cup.

Another huge downer to Houston (and this is pretty much all of eastern Texas)…the humidity. DEAR GOD THE HUMIDITY. Not just humidity either. Heat and humidity. Like 90 degrees in the shade, with 95% humidity. Do you know how hard it is to breathe there? It’s like trying to respirate underwater. Anything you wear, even light t-shirts and shorts, immediately sticks to your body and all you can do is pray that someone puts a bullet in your head before the day is over.

And what is up with the abundance of Tex-Mex restaurants and steakhouses? Don’t you people eat anything normal there? Vegetables maybe? How about some pasta? Soup? Bread! Pizza even. Whatever. I just know that the best meal I had the whole time I was there was the soft pretzel and cheese dip I bought at the airport this morning. I can feel my body attempting a full-on detox from all the crap I had to put in it. That’s the only reason I drank shots of Patron Silver and washed them down with Banana Hurricanes last night. Anything to kill whatever ptomaine or botulism crawled down my gullet with my TexMex and steak dinners.

There are a great many other things I could carry on about. But I don’t have the time or the patience to do so…I’ve gotta unpack and take a long hot shower to begin the sterilization process. Must remove the stench of Houston from my body. Then it’s off to lab class where I’m sure I can find several forms of slightly basic acids with which I can burn a few contaminated layers of skin from my body…

P.S. I was going to list BUSH as another detriment to Texas, but felt it wasn’t really necessary. It’s obvious that he’s a product of his environment. Color me surprised.