Why do professors insist on having all their tests on the same week? It’s not even that mid-term time of year, and yet somehow all my professors at TWO different colleges decided that last week was The Week for exams. My brain is so fried right now, I’m surprised I was able to adequately dress myself this morning.
It wouldn’t be so bad if my entire semester’s workload wasn’t comprised of science classes. Give me five math classes anyday. I’ll take four programming classes and a Spanish class even. For some reason, my mind goes into automatic shut-down mode when it comes to science classes. If I have more than two science classes a semester, my body leaps to Defcon 1 and things begin to close up. Including my Center For the Ability to Study Proper.
It’s not that I hate science. Believe you me, there are very few subjects in school that I don’t like in some fashion or another. Learning is addictive and there’s nothing more exhilarating to me than discussing the postulating Mac theorems whilst huffing dry erase fumes. I think there’s chalk dusk in my veins. Highlighters and Post-It flags are tools of my trade. I’ve been known to compulsively make flash cards for my trip to the grocery store. “What is the brand of sweet roll that goes best with Steak-Ummm?” “Oooh! Oooh! I know this one! Gimme a minute…”
My whole issue is pretty easy and yet very difficult to deal with. I don’t test well in science. Oh, I am great at all the in-class discussions, I can whip up wet mounts in lab like nobody’s business. Need me to measure up a beaker of enzyme for the spectrometer test? No problem! Fill up a dialysis bag with distilled water and test the effects of osmosis in a hypotonic solution? It’s a cinch! Test and observe the respiration rates of crickets? I’m right on top o’ that, Rose.
But when it comes to test time…inevitably I flop down solidly on my face. If I’m not spending every waking moment for the entire week before the exam reviewing and cramming and testing and reviewing again, I will ultimately be a dismal failure. It only happens to me in science classes. More specifically, it only happens to me in life science classes. Earth sciences? Physical sciences? OMG. I’m all over those like purple velvet on a pimp. I’m seriously so damn good in classes like Geology, Astronomy, Chemistry, Physics…it’s gross. But Biology? Anatomy? Entomology? I should just curl up and die right now.
My first exam of the week was Bio lecture. Mind you, I know this shit like the back of my hand. It’s the same redundant crap they’ve been throwing at us since grade school. Cells, cell structure, photosynthesis, protein synthesis, osmosis, diffusion, blah blah blah blah…I could draw mitosis and meiosis models in my sleep. For some reason, though, when that exam landed on my desk…I panicked and suddenly my mind went blank. Absolutely, positively…blank. Ninety multiple-choice questions, two essay questions, and one blank mind. I answered shit as best as I could, went home, and thumbed through my notes. And realized I’d made some of the dumbest mistakes ever. EVAH. Smallest unit of life? For some reason I chose “organs.” WTF? Did I have a brain tumor for breakfast? A whole bowl of dumb for dinner? I’m so completely embarrassed by some of my answers, I didn’t even want to show up for the lab test on Thursday.
Bio lab on Thursday was just as much of a winner. We had 90 seconds to answer each question. I totally lost my shit on all the ploidy questions, the essay question about Brownian Movement, and couldn’t even draw an adequate representation of a crenated cell. WHY OH WHY AM I SO DUMB?! I left class that night feeling so completely drained and yet very much relieved, even though I could definitely hear the distinct sound of my bio grade and my GPA simultaneously bursting into flames.
Next exam was Saturday’s Forest Dendrology test. I was studied to the hilt on this puppy. I even spent 30 minutes in the car doing a brief review before heading up to the testing center. By the way, did I ever tell you how much I love the testing center at Sierra? It’s fantastic. It’s on the top floor of the Learning Resource Center (contains the library and many little nifty rooms of learning goodness) and many of the individual testing rooms look out over the rest of the campus, which is GORGEOUS. So I get to spend all of my thinking time staring out the window.
Anyhoo, the Dendrology test was…ah…well…let’s just say that I went in expecting to blow the curve, and left hoping that nobody else would blow it for me. My argument for conservation vs. preservation was weak as a newborn baby. I got all my dates mixed up on the passing of various forest policies. I labeled my pinecone-to-tree diagrams all wrong. If Professor Lemerise doesn’t show up on my doorstep and bash me in the face with his silviculture reference book, I will be wholly amazed.
Coming up next: Forest Ecology & Conservation exam this coming Saturday. My notes are sitting right next to me on my desk, and I’m glancing at them between tasks. With my luck, I’ll end up writing some techo-babble IT geek stuff in the middle of my rant against clear-cutting as a good method of foresting. I should write a disclaimer on a Post-It and attach it to my test when I’m done. “Please don’t hold me accountable for how stupid I really am.”
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