The Internet equivalent of flaming bags of poo

There are only two people in my life whom I allow and appreciate forwarded joke/prayer/chain e-mails from. So unless you are either Jenny or my mom, do me the hugest favor ever and STOP FORWARDING ME YOUR NONSENSICAL CRAP!!!

Now, before you go getting all butthurt, let me add the caveat that I’m pretty sure that the people I’m addressing don’t even read my blog. Because they’re too busy forwarding shit to everyone in their address book in the hopes that the Dali Lama or Buddha or whomever will grant their lifelong wish of becoming the next Britney Spears.

I hate the bulk of the forwarded shit e-mails out there. They are almost worse than spam, because as of late, at least spam is entertaining, mostly original, and can get a laugh out of me. Everything else I’ve read before. Many many times. If you’ve read it before, you can almost guarantee with 150% certainty that I have too. And even if you haven’t read it before, just assume that I’ve read it before. Leave me off your damn lists, people.

E-mail has made folks really rude in terms of what they will or won’t shower you with. I mean, if we were still limited to snail mail, would these people honestly think to print out 40 copies of their lame “old people fucking in a boat” joke, stuff them in envelopes, and mail them to all their friends whom they think will find it funny? HELL NAW. Because they’d have to pay 37 cents per person, plus take the extra time to write the addresses and stick on some return labels…and then there’s all that folding and envelope-licking. When it comes down to it, it’s just too much effort. Because when you have to put in all that hard work, the joke just somehow doesn’t seem that funny anymore.

But no. With the advent of e-mail, people have taken to invading your inbox privacy on an hourly basis with their “OMG My cousin Cletus forwarded me this here e-mail that’s SOOOOOOO funny! Forward it on to everyone you know and you’ll see a funny video! It’s really cool!” (Jesus folks, how many times have you fallen for that one?!) It’s almost as if people send you this shit because they can. Because it’s a fun, emotionless, free way to drive off all your friends.

And even worse…the people who forward you all this shit…they don’t even take the time to write you a personal e-mail every once in a blue moon. Not so much as a “Hi! How are things?!” or “I miss your face!” No, it’s “OMG! THIS IS SOOOOO FUNNY!!!” or “I saw this and thought of you!” (overlooking the fact that the e-mail was forwarded to you and 537 other jerkoffs in cyberspace…)

For once I’d like to log into my e-mail account and not see

[FWD] OMG This is WORTH reading!

[FWD] This REALLY works! Don’t DELETE!

[FWD] SOOO FUNNY! LOL

[FWD] Single Women Jokes ROTFL!

[FWD] U R Gunna SCREAM with Laughter!

[FWD] A prayer going ’round the world

in the subject column. Do you know how disheartening that is? And I honestly don’t know which of the evil FWD offenders is worse…the stupid hashed & rehashed jokes, the “Make a wish and send to 892 people in the next hour” stories, or the “This e-mail is a dying little girl’s wish! Forward to everyone in existence” crap. For fuck’s sake, folks. Do you fall for everything you read? Why not send me some more of those “This virus is dangerous and will EAT your COMPUTER ALIVE.” e-mail hoaxes (easily debunkable with a quick trip to Symantec’s Security Response Hoax page). Or OOOOOH! I know! How about those concerned e-mails warning you about people slashing your Achilles Tendon from underneath your car. You know which ones I’m talking about. The ones that carry the distinct odor of BULLSHIT and are so very readily available for research at Snopes, you should be ashamed for even thinking about forwarding them.

Honestly, people. E-mailing is fairly effortless. You feel like sending me a message? Ok, go to your inbox, click “New E-mail”, be sure to type my e-mail address in the “To” field, and then hammer away at your keyboard. Easy as that. No need to hassle with that pesky “Forward to Everyone You’ve Ever Known” button. And it saves me the time and energy of having to fiddle with my inbox options yet again to block your sorry ass from sending me a pile of junk.

Oh. Yes. Have a nice day!