Not even worth the caffeine rush

I’m dog-ass tired today. I don’t really know why. I got to bed at a decent hour (read: prior to midnight) last night, so it’s anyone’s guess as to why I can’t stop yawning this morning. I think my head’s going to split right open if it doesn’t stop soon.

I’ve taken to popping into the break room every 15 minutes to partake of the swill that is alleged to be coffee. This stuff qualifies as coffee only in a very loose sense of the word. It’s brown, has caffeine, and was made with coffee beans. That’s about where the similarities end. It’s all downhill from there.

There’s something pathetic and deplorable about a multi-billion dollar company that can’t even provide its employees with drinkable coffee. I mean, really. How hard is it to go “Oh, this stuff is shit. Let’s get something good, ’cause I know I don’t want to be drinking this!” But nah, that would be wayyyyy too easy and would require people in this company thinking of people other than themselves. You can bet your long-johns that while us lowlifes are bravely gulping down the barnyard muck, the uppity buxtons are partaking of gourmet beans hand-picked by faeries, roasted to a nutty perfection by caffeine-loving elves, and ground to a perfect coarse sift right before their very eyes, their French presses clasped in their greedy, outstretched hands, waiting for their daily dose of perfection in a cup.

I don’t think I’m being overly-dramatic. Shut up.

Some departments in our building have taken to buying their own stash of Starbucks coffee, but that’s barely a step above what we already have. ‘Cause let’s face it…Starbucks may make a mean Frappuccino, but they apparently know dick about regular coffee. How else do you explain the fact that they can’t make a decent cup of any regular coffee to save their lives? Ass in a cup, folks. Ass in a cup.

Some days our coffee here is horrid at best. They provide us with “house blend”, decaf “house blend”, and what is allegedly a French roast but leans more towards “glorified outhouse runoff.” You seriously have not known near-death until you’ve drank our French roast. We have to be careful not to spill it on anything because we’re pretty sure it’s caustic.

The worst part about the coffee we drink is that no matter how freshly-brewed it is, it always smells like it’s burning in a shallow puddle of rancid syrup in the bottom of the pot. How the hell do you get coffee to do that?! Really, that’s just talent. You have to be pretty fucking special to make coffee that burns and gets bitter the instant it touches water.

I’ve given up on trying to cream-n-sugar the stuff to death. Doesn’t help. It bleeds right through like red paint on a wall. I might as well be trying to cover up shit-stink with French perfume…such a futile attempt. So yes, I drink this crap straight-up black. I usually drink my coffee that way, except when it’s not very good coffee. Then in goes the cream and sugar. That’s when you know I’m drinking coffee just for the caffeine and not the taste. And when it’s so bad that cream and sugar don’t help, and I super need the buzz…I’ll brave it for the sake of lucidity. But I’m pretty sure my dentist will have something to say about the fact that nine layers of enamel get eaten off my teeth with every sip.

I have had my own coffee maker in my office for over four years, but I often forget to buy the good stuff to bring to work. So it sits unused and I ignore the coffee cravings until absolutely desperate. Which is when hobble over to the break room and force myself to slop with the rest of the coffee pigs. But ordinarily I will buy myself Seattle’s Best Henry’s Blend or Thanksgiving Coffee Gray Whale Inn blend. Stuff that I have to grind myself (who the fuck really uses those grinding machines at the store? Do you even know what kind of stuff has been in there and is now in your coffee?), but is SO worth it.

I’m now pondering purchasing myself a Melitta single-serve machine so I can easily make GOOD coffee right at my desk, and I don’t have to futz with the damn coffee maker I have. My mom has one and she swears by it. And she’s the ultimate coffee connoisseur (aside from my dear Tao, of course). Of course, that reduces me to having to buy boxes of coffee pods, but I already know it’s good shit, so at least I’ll be guaranteed a nice cup of joe every morning, right? Hmmm…

Ah, it’s time for me to meander back to the break room for yet another bitter, burnt, nasty cup of brown swill. God bless caffeine and all.

Today’s Winning Search String: “looking for shemales living in my area”

Dude. You wish.