Why you should never send women off alone

This weekend was one to behold. Seriously. My body is still pissed off at me for all it was put through, both directly and vicariously. I think it’s going to take a few weeks for it to chill out and forgive me.

Spent the weekend wine tasting in the Sierra Foothills with an assortment of ladies, the bulk of whom I am related to in one way or another. Strange things happen when you gather women together and give them nothing better to do than taste wine and enjoy fresh mountain air. Money is spent, alcohol is consumed, food is ravaged, and nudity becomes prevalent. Not my own, mind you. I wouldn’t want to scare the shit out of folks. But oh you can bet there was nudity.

Wait. I lied. I showed my naked breasts to my cousins in our hotel room while we were preparing to go hot-tubbing. Juli was changing into her bikini and I was averting my eyes, shouting to Nissa (who was in the bathroom at the time) to watch out for Juli’s nakedidity. Juli said that she didn’t care if anyone saw, Nissa came out to declare she didn’t care if anyone saw hers, then lifted her shirt to prove it. Modesty completely thrown out the window, we sat there and stated how Nissa had great breast shape and Juli had fantastic nipples. I mentioned that I had baloney nipples and hated them to death, and when Juli asked what that looked like, I whipped my shirt up and obliged. And there we were. Three cousins, tits hanging out, nipples giving a howdy-do, chatting about breast augmentations and body image…not a care in the world. We were like little old ladies tormenting young sales clerks in the lingerie department with our cries of “Can you tell me what size -” whipping up shirt “- THESE are?!”

What the hell?

The rest of the weekend was just as wacky. Nissa dropping the f-bomb loudly in the middle of Perry Creek Winery. Jan telling us how much she loves penis. Aunt Pat sitting on a folding luggage rack in the middle of the hotel parking lot. A guy from Juli’s eHarmony past showing up at not one but TWO of the same wineries as us…with his parents, I might add. Nine grown women descending on a tub of paté like a pack of rabid wolves. The lady at Shenandoah Vineyards who very clearly did not like us in any way, shape, or form, but was most happy once we shelled out our hard-earned cash in exchange for her mucho delicioso Zingiovese and White Port. The look on Aunt Denise’s face when she realized how much wine we really buy on these trips.

Oh it was all priceless. And there are pictures to prove it. Maybe I’ll post some when I get home tonight. Maybe I won’t. Definitely not the naked ones. There are reputations to be protected, you know. Unless you name the right price, of course. I can always be bought.

I’m thoroughly exhausted. I just want a nap, but I have English homework to finish up, a chapter on igneous rocks to thumb through for Geo lecture, and at least twelve minerals to identify for Geo lab. Plus laundry, dishes, and a bit of the ultraTiVo. Bleh.

Oh, and before I forget…got my hair cut on Friday. See below for details.